Sock Puppet Theater Presents: Congratulations Graduates! Eat My Asshole!

My high school buddies and I have a YahooGroup, where our juvenile banter on robots and sex and robot sex have justly matured to career-related dialogue over the years, especially since most of the thirty-strong constituents of our little ragtag troupe have, by now, graduated from college. So I checked my email recently and chanced upon a high school friend’s plea for advice. He is currently employed by a huge-ass multinational company and was given an offer by a competitor to jump ship and get twice his current pay (which as far as I know is already hugecakes to begin with). His bosses then came up with a counter-offer that consisted of a 35% increase in basic salary and allowances, plus a guaranteed relocation to the glorious Americas within the next couple of years.

(For anyone who was too lazy to read the above-written crap)

COCO’S FRIEND HAS A PROBLEM, AND HE HAS TWO OPTIONS:

OPTION A

OPTION B

Every single person who responded to his request for our two cents was female, and though I love those ladies to the max, this was all that registered in my brain: YADA YADA YADA DERK DERK DERKA MARRY ME! ROOAAARRR PFFFBBBHHHTTTT. But I can tell by their lengthy replies that they were serious about helping him out. I, on the other hand, was busy contemplating on potential ways of killing myself.

(For anyone who was too lazy to read the above-written crap)

COCO, AFTER LEARNING THAT HIS FRIEND’S “PROBLEM” WAS SIMPLY NOT KNOWING WHETHER MORE MONEY IS BETTER THAN EVEN MORE MONEY, WANTS TO KILL HIMSELF AND HAS TWO OPTIONS:

OPTION A

OPTION B

So this is my address to you, future graduate. Mere minutes before your diploma is handed to you, your deans and professors will tell you, with the least believable conviction, that you and your friends will one day seize the reins and become the leaders and foundation-builders of this country, nay, the world! And if you think that the shit that comes out of their hapless mouths are worth listening to, why don’t you take some time and read Lord Squid’s latest opus again? (Is that okay, Noble Sir Squid? Please don’t hurt me.)

I’m happy for my buddy; I guess he deserves it. But I am not undermining the existing careers that are touted as less-than-impressive because I myself am no more than a glorified errand boy for the family businesses. Sure, for a moment there, hearing about my friend’s “big problem” made me want to stab my thigh with a pen, but who the fuck wouldn’t? My point is, three, maybe four years from now you’d want to do physical harm to yourself too, when you falsely realize that contrary to the big and bright future that your turdslinging teachers and mentors had hoped for you, you find yourself worthless.

I’m sure that there’s a famous quote that I can give you right now which would fit our circumstance, but I can’t think of one, because I don’t read a lot, and if you think that that’s pathetic, then you sir/ma’am can eat my asshole. For the sad bunch who wasn’t driven away by the last sentence (or anything I’ve said so far for that matter), and who think lowly of themselves—- Cheer up. It’s okay to be a pansy.

To be continued.

Next: Congratulations Graduates! It’s Okay To Be A Pansy!