Weekend Repost Series: The 2000 Year-Old Virgin
June 17, 2007Hey fellas, it’s your friendly neighborhood incestuous Uncle Coco! I’m here to present the first helping of The Man Blog’s Weekend Repost Series. This will be TMB’s avenue for our new readers to get acquainted with our previous and notable works, and in my case, to show off how much of a lazy fucktard I am by regurgitating an old piece of literature which wasn’t even any good to begin with, instead of writing something new.
So to kick things off, I’ve decided to repost one of my old articles, The 2000 Year-Old Virgin, to tie in with Evan Almighty’s upcoming North American release. In fact, this was my first article for The Man Blog, which by the way was met with a grand total of ZERO COMMENTS at that time. So, thanks for the warm welcome, assholes.
One of the cool things about reposting this article is that you’ll get to see how much I’ve grown as a TMB Editor. You’ll notice that I’ve peppered this piece with jokes about Jews and Jesus, and you know, that shit is sooooooo 2006. We here at The Man Blog have taken strides to present our loyal readers with only the most cutting-edge humor in every article, and this is quite apparent with the more mature wit concerning Mexicans, cancer, and Mexicans dying of cancer in my recent works. I’d hate to be tooting my own horn, but I think it’s only fair to say that I’ve definitely grown from being a Taylor Hanson when I first came in to The Man Blog fifteen months ago, to being the full-blown Richard Simmons that I am today.
So without further ado, here be The 2000 Year-Old Virgin (Original post date: March 26, 2006).
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Steve Carell, who made a scene-stealing turn in Bruce Almighty, will star in the spin-off Evan Almighty, scheduled for a 2007 release. Carell is the same guy who sat on a toilet and peed on his face, and thought about masturbating to a porn compilation tape called Boner Jams ’03 in last year’s The 40 Year-Old Virgin.
Jesus Christ Superstar was the pioneer when it came to depicting contemporary versions of God, and nothing could have been a more contemporary form of Jesus during the 1970s than a Jesus that danced and sang show tunes. But a lot of people thought that Jesus can’t be gay, despite the fact that Jesus always had worn a gown, had 12 men trailing him wherever he went, and never had sex in his entire life. So, George Burns quite literally came into the picture a few years later, and the world beheld a God who looked, spoke, and acted just like our own Grandpa would; a God who was kind, and sweet, and who most likely uncontrollably shit his pants from time to time. After three ginormous Oh, God! hits under his belt, Burns died at the very ripe age of 100. I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Oh God, that dude was OLD.”
And in the years that passed since Burns’ death, we’ve seen a plethora of on-screen Gods, including: a fraudulent God (Greg Kinnear in Dear God), a female God (Alanis Morissette in Dogma), and a God voiced by Batman (Val Kilmer in The Prince of Egypt). But the TV show Joan of Arcadia took it to the limit by featuring as many variations of humanized and modern Gods as it possibly could in any single episode. In fact, according to the IMDB, in the first season alone, they’ve featured God as a “Cute Boy,“ a “Nerdy Boy,” a mime, and a plumber, just to name a few. But my all-time favorite has to be “Homeless Man God” who is listed to have made an appearance in Season 2, Episode 18.
Just three years ago, Morgan Freeman, true to his “old, black, wise dude” form, gave playing God a shot in Bruce Almighty. In the film, he gives his Godly powers to the guy who once squeezed himself out of an animatronic rhino’s anus. And next year, he will be bestowing them upon the fellow who coined the term “nipplefucker.”
When The Passion of the Christ came out, it basically re-ignited anti-Semitism as it portrayed the Jews as Jesus-Killers. But most Christians didn’t pay attention to this; they were just too happy at the fact that Mel Gibson made a film about Jesus. “h00ray a muvee abt teh jesus lolz hahahagagag!!!!111oneoneone jews r teh suxxxoerz ok.” And lest we forget:
This will somehow be the case again next year, when Evan Almighty is released. I find it hilarious that Christians all over the world will soon be forgetting that Steve Carell nipplefucked his way to the bank after The 40 Year-Old Virgin made more than $100 million at the North American box office alone, because he’s about to star in a seemingly family-friendly film where he plays the role of God.
Don’t get me wrong, I myself am Catholic. And obviously all other religions have their nuts. Just last week, Isaac Hayes quit South Park citing the show’s religious intolerance and bigotry. A devout scientologist, Hayes seemed to have had enough of South Park after it poked fun at scientology and its poster boy, Tom Cruise, in an episode that aired a few months ago. Surprisingly, he never mentioned South Park’s religious intolerance before, when over the years, it has shown, in all of their cartoon glory, a menstruating Virgin Mary, God as a retarded monkey, Moses as a 3D spinning top-like thingy that seems to have been derived from Tron, and other religious icons who form a super-hero faction called “The Super Best Friends.”
I honestly can’t wait for Evan Almighty. Although it definitely will be toned down for the general public, I’ll be creaming my jeans at the fact that the guy performing all these uproarious-yet-Jesusy miracles onscreen once uttered the words: “That girl is a ho… For sho’.”
Bim and Coco’s Beer Commercial
June 11, 2007Featuring the Acting-tastic Prowess of: Bim, Ute, and some guy named Magoo (who once nearly beat Bim up over five pesos).
Edit Man: Ute
Camera Boy/Directing Machine: Coco
Material Written By: Bim
Production date: March 25, 2004
Family News.
June 4, 2007So I was out of the house for two nights and certain things have led me to conclude that my older brother Nino paid a visit to our house, formed yet another collusion with my younger brother Loi, and, for the lack of better words, messed with my shit like the assholes that they are.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Exhibit A:
A twenty-five centavo coin in my soap.
Exhibit B:
A drawing of a penis on my Barong Tagalog's plastic seal thinger.
I'm pretty sure that there are other things which haven't caught my eye yet, but they'll pay. And if you're wondering what the Barong's for, well it's my sister's wedding this Saturday. Yay cake. And I'm moving into her old room upstairs. Yay new room. With its own Goddamned bathroom.
One of the many qualms I had with my old room was that it didn't have a bathroom. I'd use the guests' commode (yay Talladega Nights reference) which is so small you'd have to sit sideways when taking a crap. So, after six years, I'm saying goodbye to that piece-o-shit bathroom. Another problem with my room was that it was the only bedroom downstairs (except for the maids' quarters), and it was the one nearest to the front door. So if anyone decided to break into our house, guess who gets to die first? Yeah, ME. FUCKING ME. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.
So, yeah.
