Dealing With Break-Ups: The Whoopi Goldberg Masturbation Challenge
September 13, 2007If I had a dime for every time I had my heart broken this year alone, I’d have about ninety cents. A break-up, even if you and your significant other get back together eventually, is still a break-up. And I don’t know about you, but to me, each one hurts as much as having my nipples severed slowly with a nailcutter.
“Around nine break-ups this year alone, eh?” I wouldn’t say that I’ve gotten used to it. Like I mentioned earlier, each one brings an equal amount of pain. But what I did learn from my relationship fuck-ups is that the more I think about my troubles, the more depressed I get. All I needed was to do was distract myself, because honestly, a mere 15 minutes of not being reminded of how romantically doomed I am for all eternity would be of great help. So I recently devised an activity to serve as a diversion to better cope with my run-of-the-mill heartache. Being the awesome guy that I am, I’m sharing it with you. But you’ll have to pay me.
This activity is called “The Whoopi Goldberg Masturbation Challenge.” It’s pretty self-explanatory, but this isn’t as easy as it sounds. For starters, you’re trying to beat off to Whoopi Goldberg.
Whoopi Goldberg. Oh yeah.
And I’m making this game a little more interesting, because if tugging it to Whoopi Goldberg weren’t difficult enough, wait until you hear this: Searching for Photoshopped fakes on the internet doesn’t count, so what you have to do is actually procure a copy a Whoopi Goldberg full-length feature and masturbate to a particular scene with her in it.
Surely you have a few Whoopi Goldberg tapes lying around in your house somewhere. I personally have The Color Purple (Hey, it’s Spielberg), Ghost (Swayze!), Call Me Claus (It’s my sister’s I swear to God), and Bogus (Incidentally, Gerard Depardieu can be the subject of the female version of this masturbation challenge which, incidentally, would be called “The Gerard Depardieu Masturbation Challenge.” Duh. DUUUUH.)
Gerard Depardieu. Spicy.
Okay, so it’s probably going to take you at least 45 minutes to even get a chubby, but the whole point of it is to get as much time to take your mind off of your cunt of an ex. And constantly rewinding the scene of your choosing is a bit arduous, but that’s why it’s called “The Whoopi Goldberg Masturbation Challenge,” douche.
Anyway, the best part about this game is that I ALWAYS WIN. Sure, afterwards my penis would resemble Hilary Swank after she got beat up by those dudes in that movie where she pretended to be a dude and shit, but it’s all worth it. I know that you, too, would do anything to forget all about that slutbag ex of yours.
Previous Comments
I don’t think I could do that. Whoopi Goldberg?! That’s impossible.
Posted by Exene at September 15, 2007, 3:00 amWhat’s so racisty about what I wroted?
Posted by coco at September 15, 2007, 7:18 pmtoo many things running through my mind when i read this post. but i will stick with:
1. WHOOPI GOLDBERG?! HAHAHA.
2. GERARD DEPARDIEU. EEW. Doesn’t Jessica Zafra have a crush on him? Or am I thinking of another Gerard?
and last and most importantly:
3. BREAK-UP? WHAT BREAK-UP?
And here I was, thinking you were jumping around some hill, deliriously happy.
Posted by papu at September 17, 2007, 1:11 amoh. i’m sad to hear about your break-up…i learned that the best way to get over one is to love one’s self and just be happy on your own. eventually, some gurl will sweep you off your feet and make you fall in love again.
i am sow mushy…=(
Posted by Cheska at September 23, 2007, 7:34 amNo no it’s okay, ladies! I wrote this shit for the Man Blog, so everything’s pretty much tongue-in-cheek. Even the part about beating off to Whoopi Goldberg. Because when I’m depressed, I tug it to Missy Elliott and Queen Latifah. =)
Posted by coco at September 24, 2007, 6:38 pmWelcome to shop Coach Outlet in our Coach Outlet Handbags online store. All of Coach Outlet Canada here are fashionable, lightweight and show female charm. Coach Outlet Online and fresh styles will give you lasting visual appeal. From http://www.coach-outlet-handbags.org/.
Posted by Coach Outlet Canada at June 13, 2011, 10:02 amThank you for sharing this article! I really like it! Because of their relatively low level of writing. After seeing your article, I tried to write some of this stuff, I published here, such as Coach Outlet, Coach Outlet Canada and Coach Bags Outlet. Those are just a large blog, here there are some small blog site, also released a number of articles. From http://www.usa-coach-bags.com/.
Posted by Coach Outlet Canada at June 13, 2011, 10:04 amThe vintage coach outlet is known has a special charm, especially when it comes to pieces of a certain level coach outlet online, brand names and companies. coach outlet stores knows that along with the famous auction house Christie’s held an exclusive coach outlet factory service, the bags historical protagonists of famous fashion coach factory outlet. From http://www.coach-outlet-online.cc/
Posted by coach factory outlet at June 13, 2011, 10:06 amGo to the increasing manufacturers and will expose you to the extraordinary collections of fashionable diesel jeans . Even the excessive street designers have started to make the mens black jeans and they look equally nearly as good as the unique designer online jeans aside from the price which is way more inexpensive than the original. As many of us may think that buying sale diesel jeans is an easy task but let me tell you it is not so with women diesel jeans . With various fits and design in market it has become a tough job to find the right pair of jeans in order to look great. Cheap diesel jeans are one of the finest garments which provide style along with fun and comfort. http://www.dieselstore.org/
Posted by Diesel Straight Jeans at July 2, 2011, 2:36 pmDiesel jeans are well thought-out to be the most stylish plus comfortable outfit. Because Diesel jeans uk are considered to be the best pals of women ，they experience fun, style, comfort and luxury wearing them. As many of us may think that buying sale diesel jeans is an easy task but let me tell you it is not so with women diesel jeans. With various fits and design in market it has become a tough job to find the right pair of jeans in order to look great. online jeans are one of the finest garments which provide style along with fun and comfort.
Posted by cheap diesel jeans for men at July 2, 2011, 2:39 pmuggs for cheap cocooning feel is absolutely amazing. If created uk uggs to be added admiring and water-repellent, these moncler 2011 alpine boots are abundant to airing in moncler piumini the blubbery Snow UGG covered grounds. The moncler vendita narrow, fur-lined lace-up alpine boots are a moncler new york candied accessory to a amorous abbreviate brim moncler usa but as Snow UGG boots some branded women north face sale cossack like UGG affidavit boots, which are north face outlet sale able-bodied and featherlike for diff amore and north face outlet online adorable comfort, would be added preferable.The UGG moncler 2011 Boots 1878 Australia cossack is complete in vestes moncler a way that it helps the accomplished north face sale to disentangle and massages the anatomy and north face clearance ligaments that abutment the feet. So cutting north face uk these boots helps you accumulate.
Posted by mon110 at November 4, 2011, 5:24 pmThe Barbour jackets outside is often found in designs. jacket barbour real cotton and top quality wax pure cotton textures, variable neck band, corduroy hurricane collar, quilted barbour jackets, one thinks of your part and you will rummage around for a Barbour boy’s jackets having those individuals wants. Additionally, any barbour jacket happen to be the most recent anger among barbour coat online.
Posted by Barbour boy's jackets at December 22, 2011, 5:16 pmThe latest addition to the iconic Classic and Olympic is the strength air max 90 of this air max 97 footwear. Nike Running makes a comeback this year with an all-new model for Nike Air Max 2009 alongside a wide selection of top quality retro releases. A Nike Air Max BW sample has recently surfaced featuring a black and purple colorway Air Max franchise features an implementation of Nikes cutting edge Flywire technology coupled while using traditional full-length Air Max cushioning and a classic neutral grey/volt colorway. accented by nike air max ltd iconic safari print and other features.
Posted by nike air max 95 at January 13, 2012, 9:41 amAdd a comment
What a racist!
Posted by Helga at September 14, 2007, 9:59 pm