Weekend Repost Series: Throwing the Perfect Ovary Punch
October 11, 2007G’day mates! As many of you may know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so I think it’s only fair that I stray from jokes about boobs and cancer and Mexicans, at least until November comes-a-knockin’. So I’m reposting my second-ever article for The Man Blog, and it’s called “Throwing the Perfect Ovary Punch.” What’s that you’re saying? That transition joke from breasts to ovaries was pretty lame and obvious? Haha, you know, that is kind of funny because I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, ASSHOLE.
Anyway, I’m giving a little more background on the piece. Like I said, it was my second-ever contribution to TMB (originally posted on April 7, 2006), and it came as a suggestion from Bim, whom I was pimping at that time to write for the site as well. He said: “Oh, I’m going to write about the ovary punch!” And I go: “Hey, that’s awesome, man!” I then proceeded to hold his Mom at knifepoint and basically stole the idea from him. Of course, everything was inspired by that classic Will Ferrell scene from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, where he threatened to punch the lovely Miss Veronica Corningstone in the ovaries and politely asked to her to go back to her home on Whore Island.
So, without further ey-doo, ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Throwing the Perfect Ovary Punch.”
Whether you’ll own up to it or not, we’ve all seen at least one of those romantic comedies where Generic Douchebag tries to get fresh with Generic Leading Lady and ends up being kicked square in the gonads. Though a boot to the balls may have been a long time coming for Generic Douchebag, a testicle-kick is, under any circumstance, uncalled for. Why? Because it’s fucking painful.
For as long as Mark Ruffalo movies are continued to be made, the ladies are permitted with unlimited low blows at the jerks who attempt to pilfer them from him. And this does not bode well for us non-Ruffalos, for our own dames will be led to believe that kicking us in the balls is fine. Because, as we all know, the male reproductive organs have super-regenerative powers. No, wait, THEY DON’T.
So how do we retaliate? An elbow to the breasts may benefit those who aren’t gifted with sizeable mammaries. And a Stone Cold Stunner is too white trash, and potentially fatal. “A tooth for a tooth; an eye for an eye,” so goes the old adage. I suggest that we even the score with something that elicits an equal amount of damage: a haymaker to the babymaker. Yes, a punch to the ol’ ovaries.
“Why not a kick? It would only be fair that both acts consist of the use of one’s feet, Mr. Coco,” you may surmise, but we’ll get back to that later. I’ve been the recipient of a shot to the crotchal region once, when I was in preschool. And by writing this, I will ensure that it never happens again, and that you, the male reader, will be endowed with the knowledge and awareness of what you should do when a situation calls for an ovary punch.
Step One: Remember, an ovary punch is strictly a retaliatory act, therefore, the process should begin with you, the victim of a punt in the marbles, in the state of falling down. Spaghetti legs are a normal consequence of getting hit in the ‘nads, which is why, as I stated earlier, an immediate vengeful kick is physically impossible. However, you should maintain your balance and land on one knee. It is very crucial to the process that this step be performed properly, by preferably positioning steadily on the knee that is on the same side as your punching hand. For example, it is advisable that a right-handed man kneels with his right leg.
Step Two: Once you’ve managed proper footing, PUNCH THAT BITCH SQUARE IN THE OVARIES.
There you go, it’s as easy as that. I feel that the world is a better, safer place for men, now that I have conveyed my manly wisdom to you. And don’t worry, I bet that the “ovary punch” will soon become a common household term, and even famous people will start doing it. In fact, someone who could really put a punch to his estranged wife’s ovaries to good use is Über-Man David Hasselhoff, who himself has some ongoing marital tribulations. So pummel away, my Little Vikings! Cheers!
Previous Comments
Just hope you know that Reena was a mistress and actually chased a married man a couple of months back. She claims she did this because Loi cheated on her. Yes. Instead of just getting back at him with a regular (uncommitted) guy, she chose this married man whose wife just so happened to be pregnant at that time. And to top it all off, she befriended the wife. Telling her how she’s the husband’s best friend and how much she should trust her because she will never break her heart.. How she’s not the type to flirt with a married man nor is she the type to befriend someone’s wife whose husband she wants to steal. She even went as low as presenting herself to be their son’s godmother last December when the baby boy was baptized. You know what the wife did when she became suspicious the first time? She cried to Reena, begging her not to break her heart and ruin the family she holds most dear. And you know what Reena said? I’ll never lie to you kar, I’m not plastic. I will never steal someone’s husband. I know how much it means to you. And you know how many times kar (the wife) cried to Reena, begging her to keep her word? Three times. And all those times she kept denying the rumors and reassuring kar she wasn’t flirting with the husband. Until the wife finally caught Reena and the husband. So there. Even when the married man was telling her to leave their family alone, she couldn’t stop telling the wife things that would just break up their family even more. That’s the bittersweet truth.
Posted by reg at October 16, 2007, 7:34 pm^ LOL.
Helga: Take that back or I’m going to judo chop you right on the fallopian tubes.
Posted by coco at October 16, 2007, 11:43 pmyeah quite funny what she did. =)
Posted by reg at October 17, 2007, 10:45 amerrr…Coco, why not just stomp on her toes? =)
Posted by cheska at October 23, 2007, 7:47 amAgain, it’s kinda hard to use one’s wobbly legs after being hit in the balls, so the toe-stomp is pretty much out of the question. Also, it’d be unfair. Balls > Toes. Weren’t you paying attention, woman? *kicks you in the shin* *runs away*
Posted by coco at October 23, 2007, 8:22 pmYou know that you can damage a womens reproductive organs doing that and any guy in my opinion who would do that is a complete jackass.
Posted by Ashley at March 12, 2008, 3:29 pmOkay.
Posted by coco at March 12, 2008, 6:10 pmhmmm cuntbusting… “Cuntbusting” means “Attacking women’s crotch”. There are many mis-understanding that crotch attack is only effective to men or only does little effect to women. Actually, crotch attack is also effective to women. Sometimes it is worse than men. Sure it can damage a reproductive organs by that just a repost to ballbusting. Right?
Posted by Super C**t at September 14, 2008, 1:19 amAshley: You’re a fucking retard. You can damage man’s reproductive system by kicking him in the balls too. Go die in a fire.
Posted by Sam at September 13, 2009, 3:40 amYou can’t kick overies. There are too many muscles in the way.
Posted by OBGYN at January 24, 2010, 4:15 amShare what you learn with everyone, and make it our new standard.
Posted by juicy couture outlet at December 29, 2010, 2:20 pmPretty good post. I just came upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
Posted by coach outlet at January 8, 2011, 9:30 amWell f’n done, Coco. As a chick it’s about time. I’m not the least bit worried about men hurting women there for fun, but you need something for the b'’ches that are making it harder for men to trust us. Snap back!
Now if you can just create a post that gets the goon men to stop asking for head when they need to be learning to making love, last a bit, and not get unhealthy 30 years before I do…
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