Weekend Repost Series: Throwing the Perfect Ovary Punch

G’day mates! As many of you may know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so I think it’s only fair that I stray from jokes about boobs and cancer and Mexicans, at least until November comes-a-knockin’. So I’m reposting my second-ever article for The Man Blog, and it’s called “Throwing the Perfect Ovary Punch.” What’s that you’re saying? That transition joke from breasts to ovaries was pretty lame and obvious? Haha, you know, that is kind of funny because I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, ASSHOLE.

Anyway, I’m giving a little more background on the piece. Like I said, it was my second-ever contribution to TMB (originally posted on April 7, 2006), and it came as a suggestion from Bim, whom I was pimping at that time to write for the site as well. He said: “Oh, I’m going to write about the ovary punch!” And I go: “Hey, that’s awesome, man!” I then proceeded to hold his Mom at knifepoint and basically stole the idea from him. Of course, everything was inspired by that classic Will Ferrell scene from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, where he threatened to punch the lovely Miss Veronica Corningstone in the ovaries and politely asked to her to go back to her home on Whore Island.

So, without further ey-doo, ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Throwing the Perfect Ovary Punch.”

Whether you’ll own up to it or not, we’ve all seen at least one of those romantic comedies where Generic Douchebag tries to get fresh with Generic Leading Lady and ends up being kicked square in the gonads. Though a boot to the balls may have been a long time coming for Generic Douchebag, a testicle-kick is, under any circumstance, uncalled for. Why? Because it’s fucking painful.

For as long as Mark Ruffalo movies are continued to be made, the ladies are permitted with unlimited low blows at the jerks who attempt to pilfer them from him. And this does not bode well for us non-Ruffalos, for our own dames will be led to believe that kicking us in the balls is fine. Because, as we all know, the male reproductive organs have super-regenerative powers. No, wait, THEY DON’T.

So how do we retaliate? An elbow to the breasts may benefit those who aren’t gifted with sizeable mammaries. And a Stone Cold Stunner is too white trash, and potentially fatal. “A tooth for a tooth; an eye for an eye,” so goes the old adage. I suggest that we even the score with something that elicits an equal amount of damage: a haymaker to the babymaker. Yes, a punch to the ol’ ovaries.

“Why not a kick? It would only be fair that both acts consist of the use of one’s feet, Mr. Coco,” you may surmise, but we’ll get back to that later. I’ve been the recipient of a shot to the crotchal region once, when I was in preschool. And by writing this, I will ensure that it never happens again, and that you, the male reader, will be endowed with the knowledge and awareness of what you should do when a situation calls for an ovary punch.

Step One: Remember, an ovary punch is strictly a retaliatory act, therefore, the process should begin with you, the victim of a punt in the marbles, in the state of falling down. Spaghetti legs are a normal consequence of getting hit in the ‘nads, which is why, as I stated earlier, an immediate vengeful kick is physically impossible. However, you should maintain your balance and land on one knee. It is very crucial to the process that this step be performed properly, by preferably positioning steadily on the knee that is on the same side as your punching hand. For example, it is advisable that a right-handed man kneels with his right leg.

Step Two: Once you’ve managed proper footing, PUNCH THAT BITCH SQUARE IN THE OVARIES. 

 There you go, it’s as easy as that. I feel that the world is a better, safer place for men, now that I have conveyed my manly wisdom to you. And don’t worry, I bet that the “ovary punch” will soon become a common household term, and even famous people will start doing it. In fact, someone who could really put a punch to his estranged wife’s ovaries to good use is Über-Man David Hasselhoff, who himself has some ongoing marital tribulations. So pummel away, my Little Vikings! Cheers!