TMB MotherfuCARZ: Fernando: Autopimp 5000.
February 25, 2008In honor of the release of the new Knight Rider, we here at TMB decided to come up with a blog series highlighting our own vehicles. Though we’ve always idolized Michael Knight’s K.I.T.T. from the original series, we were kind of offended that NBC looked over our automobiles while casting a new car for the show’s rebirth.
Dejected, we all individually sat down with our cars, handed them a personalized questionnaire, and spoke to them about a variety of topics ranging from current events to, uh, not-so-current events. First up is my very own Fernando: Autopimp 5000.
Name: Fernando: Autopimp 5000
Owner: Coco Collantes
Make/Model: 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer 1.6 GLS A/T OMGWTF
Paint Job: Sedona Red
Favorite Pastimes: Hanging out in the garage, Moving along roads, Moving backwards sometimes, Tennis
Favorite Line from 2 Fast 2 Furious: (Tyrese) Come on, man. Guns, murderers and crooked cops? I was made for this shit, brah!
Coco: So under “Acceleration,” you wrote down “I can go from Zero to ASSHOLE in 4.36 seconds.” Would you mind telling our readers what you meant by that?
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: (Activates super-futuristic stopwatch) 0… 1… 2… 2.68… 3.49… 4.36 SUCK ON MY GIANT BLACK MUFFLER COCO
Coco: ……
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: I kid, man. You know I love you.
Coco: OH YOU LITTLE RASCAL YOU! Power hug?
Coco: What would you say are your best assets?
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: My scent, most definitely. All your hot dates who’ve ridden me (chuckles) can attest to that. For those of you who don’t know, I smell like blood and semen, with hints of green apple and pizza. I rule at setting the mood for romance. Also, I’m really proud of my name. I never really had a chance to thank you for christening me with a kickass name. Thanks man.
Coco: You’re welcome. You probably don’t remember this but you started out as simply “Fernando.” I just added “Autopimp 5000” later on. We sure did one over K.I.T.T.!
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: Did him one over? You mean, we did that sumbish three millennia over! AM I RIGHT AM I RIGHT?! Power hug?
Coco: HAHAHA! HA! Ha… (Wipes tear) Dude, no one probably got that.
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: Okay, for the morons reading this, K.I.T.T. actually stands for Knight Industries Two Thousand. But since I’m Fernando: Autopimp 5000, that means I own him by three millennia; “Willennia,” for all you Big Willie Stylers out there. (Activates super-futuristic stereo)
(But you’ll have to hit “Play” below for it to work. Sorry.)
Coco: Share with us your worst experience.
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: 2007 was a particularly bad year for me. I got sideswiped by a tricycle in Pasay, I got a flat tire along Taft, my side mirrors were stolen in Makati, and we got ticketed for “blocking” that fucking invisible pedestrian lane on the corner of Makati Ave. and Paseo, remember? Oh, and lest I forget:
Coco: Yeah, that was pretty bad. But you’re all fixed up now and good as new.
One last question, Team Obama or Team Clinton?
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: Shoe.
Coco: Good man.
Previous Comments
Well you know what they say about people and things looking better in pictures… Do you? Because I don’t.
Posted by coco at February 26, 2008, 2:32 pmI wish my car could talk. 
I wish your face could talk so I could tell it to shut up. I’m kidding! Power hug?
Posted by coco at February 26, 2008, 7:10 pmCan your car fly like Marty’s delorean? Or does it have a robotic left arm like Will “Del Spooner” Smith? No? (Insert collective grunts and boos here)
Posted by Steel at February 28, 2008, 8:46 pmCars don’t have arms, silly! From now on I’ll call you Steel, Silly Face Man. But seriously, howsabout a DubHAI FIVE for the McFly reference?
Posted by coco at March 1, 2008, 1:08 amFor a second time fantastic posting.You appear to have a very good comprehension of these kind of themes or templates.Whenever I coming into your internet site,My spouse and I couldn’t help but feel this approach.Can occur and make writting your blog post may well be more eye-catching.Towards Your Accomplishment!
Posted by cheap north face jackets at October 14, 2011, 11:59 amI agree with your Blog and I will be back to check it more in the future so please keep up your work. I love your content & the way that you write.
Posted by Cheap Wallets at February 23, 2012, 2:47 pmCool site! Thanks for the information! I like this article.
Posted by Oakley Sunglasses Wholesale at April 17, 2012, 11:27 amAdd a comment
So this Fernando…car. He looks better in pictures.
Posted by Helga at February 26, 2008, 4:48 am