¿Como Se Dice “Douchebag” En Español?

June 7, 2010

Day One of Spanish school was last Saturday. And in what can only be described as a dastardly display of its twisted sense of humor, Fate decided to pair me up with a college girl for a class activity. She also happened to be cute and CHINESE.

If you know me well, then you’ll have to agree that that shit is like impishly dangling the carcass of a gazelle 12 feet over the den of a lion that hasn’t been fed in a week.

Or perhaps it is similar to tossing a suitcase stuffed with freshly-mashed triceratops parts next to a toddler tyrannosaurus rex. You know that little son of a bitch can smell the blood, but he unfortunately lacks the opposable thumbs (or the jugular strength) necessary to pry that goddamned thing open.

So I’ve been single (or I guess the better term would be “emotionally uninvolved”) for I think a couple months now. This is the longest I’ve gone in this state in seven years. If we go all the way back to the year 2000, I’ve only been “romantically detached” for a combined nineteen months.

The reason why I bring these numbers up is because I’ve been wanting to settle down since I was twelve years old. I’ve had six girlfriends since then (only two of which lasted for more than a year), so statistically-speaking, I guess you can describe this mate-hunting endeavor as A GROSS, HORRID FAILURE.

Surprisingly though, I’m not slitting my wrists over it. My family’s been great (I just helped my sister and her friend write a rap song about peeing), and I’ve been diverting my innate urge to spoil my girlfriends to friends-who-are-girls instead: driving them around, treating them to movies and shit. (If you’re reading this, A-Team’s still on me.)

Anyway, I’ll just go along with… whatever the fuck this is. I’m not really setting a deadline for myself; I don’t want to put myself in that kind of pressure.

Though if I don’t get a new girlfriend by the year’s end, I will swallow my own fist and repeatedly punch myself in the stomach, from the inside.

That’s how I roll. Or should I say, “Asi me manejo yo.”