Retro TMB: The World Cup!

July 7, 2010

(I posted this four years ago on the The Man Blog; proof that I was just as irrationally angry and horrible at writing then as I am today. More notes at the bottom.)

The Philippines has never participated in the World Cup (I just wiki-wiki-Wikipedia’d your ass), so I’m a bit confused as to why it’s getting so much attention in the desolate wasteland of sporting activity that is our country. We’ve never been good at sports, as evidenced by our ceaseless piss-poor efforts at the Olympics.

The only individuals that we take pride in are either billiard players (i.e. drunkards), or Manny Pacquiao.

But there’s one thing I bet you Manny Pacquiao can’t do, and that is to competitively play the game of football, or even drum up the insane amount of money to harvest a world-class football team. Made entirely of brownies.

So what’s the big deal about the World Cup? Why do folks who don’t even know what an offside is converge at hip bars to watch the games live, and cheer for players whose names they can’t even spell? What’s that you’re saying? These pretentious ass-clowns attend World Cup viewing parties because it’s the cool thing to do these days? No fucking way! I refuse to yield to that notion!

There really is nothing wrong with enjoying the World Cup. I just hate it when everyone suddenly becomes an authority on football when the Cup comes-a-knocking.

For tips on how to deal with these faux experts, read this article*, and simply do away with any reference to The Da Vinci Code and apply the necessary phrases like “Pretentious soccer jackass” and “Shoot said jackass, please.”

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*This was supposed to link to an amazing article by Adam Mordo about the Da Vinci code, and how evey person who read it and acts like they were there when Jesus was crucified should be punched in the armpits.

I just found this article saved as a Word document on a CD-R here at home, and this is not the full version. I remember having written a paragraph about going to soccer camp when I was 11, how the last full match I had seen at the time I wrote this was the Germany-Brazil final from 2002, and something about name-dropping Wayne Rooney every five minutes.

Anyway, if you’re a stranger, join up at the new and improved Man Blog Forums. It’s super clean, family-friendly fun. It’s so wholesome, the Pope gave us an award for like being totally moral-tastic.

Also, these are all lies. We have members who have experienced raping other people. Enjoy!