So my good friend Huey left for China again. Speaking of which, I can’t believe that it’s only been three weeks since we started planning for Huey’ latest return by (how else?) drinking an assload of beer at Cable Car along Pasay Road. And before you start comparing me to your wife-beating alky Dads, I always make sure that I’m sober enough before driving home. I dunno, it’s a bit of a mystery as to how I manage to shake off the drunkenness once I get behind the wheel, because once I get home, I start acting like a complete mongoloid all over again.
Take three weeks ago, for example. Around that time, we had just started padlocking two of our three gates (Car Gate #1 and the Small People Gate) because a neighbor was robbed in broad daylight just recently. The gate which opens my car’s garage (Car Gate #2) didn’t have a padlock because: a) It didn’t have holes where one could potentially reach in from the outside and open it, and b) It made too much damn noise anyway, that if anyone tried stealing something from our place and used that particular gate to flee, the entire household and everyone within a two-block radius would be able to hear it.
So when I got home after meeting with Bim, El Presidente, Joms, and Frankie T. to drink and make plans for Huey’s brief homecoming, I positioned the car outside as usual, and went on to try and open the Small People Gate so that I could open Car Gate # 2 from the inside. But Small People Gate was locked, and being the drunk fuck that I was, I forgot that I had the key.
I, however, was a considerate albeit drunk fuck, so I didn’t bother ringing the doorbell or calling our landline so as not to wake anyone up. I only had two options now: slap myself really hard and figure out that I actually had a key, OR, climb our 6-foot high front lawn wall and risk getting seriously hurt. Guess what Genius Coco opted to do.
Climbing up our wall isn’t as easy as it looks. There’s sort of a mini-ledge around 5 feet from the ground and is a couple of inches wide, which someone like Hakeem LOLajuwon could easily use as a boost to get to the top. But even at 5’9”, I was no match for our seemingly impenetrable wall. I had to pull off some Jackie Chan shit for this one. So I grabbed the top-most ledge and took a couple of steps on the wall itself before reaching the middle ledge, and from there I hurriedly reached and squatted on the top of the wall.
At this point, I once again had two options: use the rolling warehouse stair set that’s been beside that wall forever to securely get to the other side, OR, I could jump. But I was like Eeeew this stairs is a rusty! I think I’ll jump! Huzzah!
So I jumped. And fell on my ass. Hard.
THE END YAY!
And that, my friends, is called “milking it.”
However, do partake in the really dorky discussions over at The Man Blog’s brand-spanking-new Wrestling Sub-Forum. In here, we tackle the goings-on in each of the current federations— from the WWE, to TNA, and even the newly-formed WSX.
And while we’re on the topic, I might as well give you four good reasons why you should also be watching TNA Wrestling. I’m not telling you to completely ditch whatever hackneyed brand of sports entertainment it is you’re currently following; all I’m saying is give this upstart company a shot, and watch at least a couple of episodes of their syndicated weekly recap show Xplosion, which airs Saturday nights at 8PM on Star World.
#1 The Knockouts.
I’m not taking anything away from the WWE Divas, in fact, more than half of the current Knockouts were picked up by TNA after they were dropped by Vince McMahon and Co. However, that was then and this is now. And now is the time for us to start massaging our crotches. Mmmmmmm.
From left: Christy Hemme, Letisha, SoCal Val, Gail Kim
#2 Six Sides of Steel (And Other Cockbusting Innovations!)
Their six-sided ring is special all on its own, but when you add 15-foot high steel walls on each side, you my friend are in for a special treat. Shame on me if I fail to namedrop Triple X and AMW, and their cage match from Turning Point 2004. Their brand of cage match is so awesome that TNA has dedicated an entire annual Pay-Per-View called Lockdown, where all the matches take place within the Six Sides of Steel.
Other TNA staples that you should be looking out for are The King of the Mountain, Ultimate X, The House of Fun, and Elevation X, which will debut at next month’s PPV, Destination X.
That’s a lot of X’s LOLXXXORZ
#3 The No-Limits X-Division.
Think of it as TNA’s version of the cruiserweight division, only it has no weight restrictions, and is actually one bajillion times better. I swear.
The names Petey Williams, Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal, Austin Starr, Alex Shelley, Senshi, and Chris Sabin may not ring any bells to the average wrestling fan, but once you see them in action, you, sir/ma’am, will be shitting your pants in excitement. Just like Tom Cruise did in Born On the Fourth of July.
#4 Lastly, and Most Importantly: No Bullshit, No Lame Excuses.
In TNA, titles CHANGE HANDS on account of count-outs and disqualifications. So, more often than not, we get clean and clear victors in TNA, regardless of the winner being a babyface (“the good guy”) or a heel (“the bad guy”). They're sort of making the fake look more believable.
However, ref bumps (which is the industry term for when the referee “accidentally” gets squashed and lays motionless for 15 minutes, only to recuperate in time to make the three-count in favor of the good guy) are a staple in professional wrestling, so TNA utilizes this escape route from time to time. But that doesn’t prevent them from producing spectacular matches that will surely please wrestling enthusiasts.
Man has far evolved from the standard and old-fashioned (yet still formidable) BJ-Missionary-BJ-Cumshot procedure. And in his evolution, Man has beheld playful sexual ingenuity in the form of smurfings, reach-arounds, glory holes, hot carls, and Cincinnati bowties.
He, too, has witnessed a mishmash of erotic visuals such as upskirts, down-blouses, hidden changing room recordings, webcam teasings, and first-person perspectives while being straddled in the cowgirl position.
He’s probably seen everything. Everything but this:
In a time where hog-tied lesbian cheerleader orgies are a dime a dozen, one would surmise that for every porn film made, there would at least be one guy somewhere on god’s green earth getting his jollies from it.
But beating off to clown porn?! For fuck’s sake!
I know, I know… Every person is entitled to watch porn at their own behest. That’s an implicit rule among porn aficionados. So I’m not saying that it’s wrong; at least not entirely.
You see, even if there are no restrictions when it comes to pornography, one should be aware of THE LIST: An Enumeration of Specific Sexual Acts and Variations That Are Generally Frowned Upon, as compiled by The North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA). And that list clearly states that a person can only pleasure himself to a film with a maximum of one (1) clown. Masturbating to a film featuring two (2) or more clowns will immediately render you a ranking of “Total Perv,” which is only second to the invaluable “Champion Sex Offender” title.
Now that we’ve set those things aside, excuse me while I pop this NAMBLA-certified tape into my VCR.
So, this is my blog. I’m calling it “Man Overboard” for now because I feel that in one of my previous lives, I was some sort of outcast seafarer. A pirate who wore an eye patch on his balls, maybe. Or a really effeminate sailor, like this guy (marked in red):
However, I feel more of an affinity with the Construction Worker Guy (marked in green), for he and my penis have some similarities: both have the exact same moustache, and both have an equally strong grasp for hardware tools.
And is that fucking Ben Stiller on the far right?
Also, I know, I'm a half a decade behind everybody else, but my primary reason for not bothering to create my own online journal over the years is you, stranger. Yes, you. You see, I know what you’re thinking: "Coco’s blog title really isn’t that creative, his posts aren’t inspired, and he sure as hell isn’t as funny as he thinks he is."
I don’t mind being judged, I simply never took kindly to the fact that a lot of people on the internets feel that they JUST HAVE TO have an opinion on everything and everyone. So if you have nothing better to do here other than be a total douchebag and say unconstructive things, please, go away. However, if you wish to stay and persist on judging me, then you, sir/ma’am, can eat my asshole.
That is, if someone is actually reading this crap. If no one is, then I guess all I can say is "Bye-bye."
January 11th, 5PM
Coco from 14 Hours Ago: Oh coolies! TNA Wrestling is selling a limited edition bundle which includes two DVDs, two t-shirts, and two autographed 8×10 photos of Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle - inarguably two of the greatest in-ring performers of our generation! But Fucken A, it’ll cost me $59.95! It does say here that they expect the sets to be sold out within the next couple of days. Maybe I can sleep on it and decide tomorrow.
January 12th, 7AM
Coco from the Future: Holy shitballs! I just had the weirdest dream! I ordered the Angle-Joe bundle and then the package arrived, and before I could even sign for the release at my doorstep, I was already masturbating to how awesome it was that I fucking had 8×10 autographed photos of Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe! So the delivery guy was like “Dude, that’s sick!” And I was like “Dude, you just fucking brought me autographed photos of Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe!” And he was like “No fucking way! I so hate you right now! Can I masturbate with you, though?” And I was like “Sure!”
And now I’m up! All I have to do is find my credit card and turn on my PC! But first I have to pee
Accessing the TNA website now… Man, I can’t believe that I’ll be ge— FUCK!!! IT’S SOLD OUT! I NEED TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO CONVINCE MYSELF FROM 14 HOURS AGO TO PURCHASE IT IMMEDIATELY! WHERE’S MY DELOREAN?!
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I hail from the far kingdom of Las Pinas City, and have put an end to the debauchery of numerous monsters of the land and of the seas.
Furthermore, my scrupulous attention to detail has entitled me to garner the following honors from ages past: best in art, best marksman, and most likely to become Emperor of the Philippines.
