John Morrison v. Shelton Benjamin

And Today Was A Day Just Like Any Other… EXCEPT THAT I WAS FUCKING ROBBED!

January 9, 2009

Dear Dudes Who Stole My Cellphone Last Night,

 

I’ve got to give you props; you managed to outwit a certified genius in myself. I mean, pretending like you, too, were about to hop off the bus and sandwiching me for a good 5 seconds while you picked my pocket was a brilliant idea. It was simple and obviously effective.

So okay, you win this one. What you won’t win at though, is LIFE. You see, stealing my crummy cellphone won’t get you enough money to buy medication FOR YOUR MOTHERS’ TUBERCULOSIS, ASSHOLES.

I’m really not that affected with the fact that I lost something of significant value (like I said, the phone’s a piece of shit but anything over P200 for me counts as “significant”). The worst part of it is that you managed to inconvenience the fuck out of me. I’m fine with losing valuables, but forcing me to rebuild my contacts lists and setting up a new phone is what irks me the most.

You see, this is where I am in the Initiative-O-Meter:

 

I’m right between hobos and a black midget.

I’m so pissed at the fact that I have to encode every goddamned name and number of every goddamned person I know into a new phone, that I wish that I were Bryan Mills and had the skill set to hunt you down and judo chop the piss out of you.

Just so I won’t have to spend an afternoon being hassled with re-populating my directory.

So yeah. I wish you nothing but misery. I hope that the next typhoon to hit our shores floods your shanties and gives your children leptospirosis.

TANG INA NIYO.

 

Coco

Seven Year-Old Coco Writes A Love Letter.

December 3, 2008

So my Mom found this while cleaning up an old cabinet. No need for a lengthy introduction, feel free to read along.

What’s interesting, to me at least, is that I obvsiouly never gave her the letter. (Or, I never gave it to Brady for him to give to the girl.). I guess that I’m just as much as a mega-puss now as I was seventeen years ago.

I can’t even remember the last time I wrote an actual love letter. I remember writing a pathetic plea to an ex begging her to not leave me when I was seventeen (I think I even quoted a Dave Matthews song in there. Yikes.) And I do remember writing Tintin out of the blue a few months back; but I don’t really go from “You’re beautiful” to “Give me your picture, woman” to “I LOVE YOU” in one paragraph in that one.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Because I Didn’t Want to Flood the People On Twitter.

May 25, 2008

I haven’t been sleeping well this week, having to adjust to the night shift required of my new job. But it’s all good, I’ve been learning a lot, and the people at work are fantastic.

Although, only one person at the office bothered to acknowledge my kickass "Don’t Hassel the Hoff" shirt the other day. Maybe it’s because of the fact that despite being a weak and lanky man, I can come off as a real douche sometimes. It’s either that, or they’re the saddest group of individuals in the whole, entire world. I mean, who wouldn’t flip out over a Hasselhoff shirt?

Anyway, here be nuggets of information regarding the week that was. I’d post these on Twitter, but as the title expressly states, I didn’t want to flood the service.

1. Extremely shitty Sunday to cap off a slightly shitty week. Good job, World. Ass.

2. Yesterday, for the first time since 1993, I heard someone use the term "Ja-fakes," as in "Yung mga ja-fakes sa Divisoria."

3. Sinong gustong makipag-lips-to-lips sa akin?

4. Huwag muna ngayon, pagka’t ako’y muling nagkaroon ng mala-higanteng singaw.

5. I have an iPod. But it’s pink. And it’s three years old. It’s a hand-me-down from my sister. My younger sister.

6. I also take back what I said about the Flight of the Conchords CD. I said that the songs were over-produced and that I’d be sticking to the TV versions for now. But I was laughing like an idiot on the bus ride home while listening to "Ladies Of the World."

7. Hermaphrodite! (Lady-Man-Ladies!) Oh you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man-ladies! With your sexy lady bits!
And your sexy man bits too!

8. Anyone got any advice on adjusting one’s body clock? I’ve been having a hard time catching up on my sleep in the afternoons.

That’s pretty much it. I could really use some help on the sleep thing, though.

Coco’s BirthdYAY 2008 - Pictures and Shit

May 15, 2008

Same old, same old birthday. Not that that’s a bad thing.

For example, last Friday, Tintin brought me an Oreo Cheesecake from Conti’s, just like last year. But that doesn’t diminish its utter Oreo Cheesecakey deliciousness. I could literally eat a slice of this shit every day until I die.

I also got to spend Saturday afternoon with the entire family. My nephew was born on the day I turned 22, and I didn’t have a gift for him this year, just like last year. 

But I believe that sharing a birthday with an Uncle who is handsome, wise and mighty is a gift that keeps on giving. Like, when he starts going to college, his hot college classmates would be like "Hey Euan I wanna bang your Uncle" and Euan’d be like "Dude that’s my Uncle" and I’d be like "Sorry ladies" then I’d turn around and go back to pumping my 300-pound barbels.

I also had some friends over for beer and chips and tokwa’t baboy (tofu and pork) and green mangoes. Marc was the first to arrive, just like last year. And he also managed to look so goddamned creepy in one of the photos, just like last year.

We molested each other, just like last year.

I can’t remember much of that night, just like last year.

Anyway, thanks to Tintin for the cake, and for the love (yonaman).

Thanks to Marc, John, Papu, Dianne, Grace, Ivan, and Louison for coming over last Saturday.

Thanks to Deirdre, Bobby, Kamille, Pat, Eloi, Kitkat, Apple, Shai, Trisha, and Calai for the greetings.