L’pimpage Majeure!

I’m writing this from my Dad’s PC, because after 12 years of handling and taking care of about a half a dozen PCs (whether at work or at home), for the first time ever, one of them decided to crash on me and now I can’t get it to work. And it’s my very own (I call him "Christopher Corncob"). He’s six years old and I swear this is the first time he gave out on me, and I just feel real shitty right now. Anybody know any people who do home repair service on PCs here in Las Piñas, and who’d take massages and bottomless servings of iced tea as compensation?

Anyway, it would be really cool if you guys could somehow work the link of my new blog into your into your own sidebars. Peter approached me and asked if I could take care of the site, and I couldn’t pass up on the opportunity. It’s called CINEMABUZZ! and as you can see, it’s movie-centric and is updated more often than this one. I write as Coquito Von Tito, and anyone who can tell me as to how I came up with the name gets a prize. A PRIZE OF NOTHING!

But seriously, if you know how I got the name, I will make out with you. WITH MY LIPS OF NOTHING!

Although I have to be honest, having to tend that blog means that I won’t be able to churn articles for TMB as much as I’d like to, and that really, really breaks my balls. I promise to at least come up with something TMB-related once a month, though.

But ultimately, Coco needs the cheddar, so I would really appreciate it if you guys would drop by the site and post a comment or two every now and then. Also, Bim has been tasked to take up on a similar endeavor, you might want to check that out as well. Click here for COMICOLOGY!

Fuck, I’m Bored. Also, Check Out Cinemabuzz.

Peter tapped me to take care of a movie blog over at i.ph, and I implore you to visit CINEMABUZZ. More on this in a future post here at Man Overboard.

For the meantime, here be snippets of a conversation I had with Papu yesterday.

ON FLO RIDA’S "LOW".

Papu: anong title nung pukinang inang song na
Papu: apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur?
Coco: Low
Papu: hate that fucking song
Papu: we went to this party last friday. hindi ko alam after party pala ni neyo. so he was there.
Papu: eh malay ko naman no. hindi naman siya cute.
Coco: Ooh party
Papu: tapos pinatugtog pa yang putanginang Low nayan. i hate that.
Coco: Haha o easy. It’s just a song. I actually have it on my playlist.

ON RIHANNA AND BRITNEY.

Papu: and that Rihanna
Papu: i dont like her so much
Papu: and Yeg keeps playing that stupid song Please Dont Stop the Music
Coco: I used to have a mini-crush on Rihanna until Tintin told me that she looked like Ethel Booba.
Coco: Which she does.
Coco: I have that on my playlist, too.
Papu: stupid rihanna.
Papu: she actually giggled when Britney performed at the VMA’s
Papu: who does she fucking think she is?!??!
Papu: and i dont get why she’s cultural ambassador of barbados. wtf. anong culture dun. grrrr.
Coco: Why in the hell wouldn’t anyone giggle? I’m surprised no one burst out laughing and started throwing their seats at Britney.
Papu: ASSWIPE!!!! thou shalt not take the name of britney in vain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coco: You have got to be kidding me. The woman’s lost her damn mind and so have you. If you value what’s left of your dignity, you should maybe start convincing yourself that it might have been a good idea to get off the Britney bandwagon when she shaved her head and attacked a car with an umbrella.
Papu: well i have hope that she’s gonna come back
Papu: the old, clean britney
Papu: stupid girl should not have broken up with JT. see what happened. it was bad karma.
Coco: Don’t count on a Britney comeback. The odds of her choking to death on a pair of scissors are higher than her ever regaining any of her old success.

 ON MILEY CYRUS AND HORSE PORN.

Papu: what is it with these disney girls. vanessa hudgens (na, for the record, tuwang tuwa si yeg na slut pala), hilary duff. ay nako. i bet ganyan din si miley cyrus.
Papu: she has slutty photos narin, did you see?!
Coco: No, I haven’t. How slutty? Provocative outfit-slutty? Or horse porn-slutty?
Papu: ummm
Papu: beginner slutty
Coco: Damnit.
Papu: wait il find the link
Papu: wala namang nakita, pero she was in a tank top and panties and her tits were poking through. she was in bed.
Coco: Great, underaged pokies are exactly what I need. I’ve been looking forward to going to jail for the longest time.

ON MANDY MOORE.

Papu: speaking of which do you watch how i met your mother?
Coco: I used to, and I want to, I just don’t find the time.
Coco: Mandy Moore’s in it for a couple of episodes. (swoons)
Papu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Papu: are you watching her concert? tangina mahal okay. 2500 for eastwood?!
Coco: I would if I had the money.
Papu: tsk
Papu: il let you know if i get free tickets
Papu: a client could sponsor the damn thing
Coco: Wohoo!

ON BEATING EACH OTHER TO DEATH OVER AN INCRIMINATING PHOTO OF US AS DANCING PARTNERS IN THE 5TH GRADE.

Papu: DO NOT POST THAT PHOTO.
Papu: that was pre hair straigtening. post that photo and suffer the consequences
Coco: What consequences might those be?
Papu: il beat you up. seriously. or papapagripo kita.
Coco: What in the hell is a pagripo?
Papu: gripuhan
Papu: sasaksakin ka para tumulo dugo parang gripo
Coco: You can’t take me.
Papu: i can take anyone.
Coco: I’ll just push your forehead with one arm.
Coco: And read a book with the other.
Papu: il kick you in the nuts and break your nose.
Coco: I’ll punch you in the neck and stab you in the fallopian tubes with a pen.

TMB Band Discography!

Fourth Album: Self Titled Debut Album (2008)

Track listing:

1. Wow! Your Penis Is HUGE! written by Mikey 2:49
2. It Burns When I Pee: Should I Go Have It Checked Or Should I Just Wing It? And By “Wing It” I Mean “Punch My Crotch Until My Urethra Turns Numb.” written by Coco 3:12
3. Do the Polio Dance! written by Bim and Fritz 26:31
4. Don’t Say You Love Me, Girl (If You’re Not Willing to Do Anal) written by Peter 4:00
5. Ready… Set… OVARIAN CANCER! written by Pau 3:36
6. Knock Knock. Who’s There? Herpes. Herpes Who? I Have Herpes. written by Ade 0:10
7. Pope John Paul II Kinda Looks Like a Turtle (I’m Just Saying) written by Coco 2:56
8. So You’re Confined In A Wheelchair… Tell Us More! written by Bim and Fritz 2:45
9. Warm Dubai Nights (The Masturbation Song) written by Steel 3:02
10. It’ll Be Our Little Secret (The Mutual Masturbation Song) written by Ade and Baddie 2:36

Members:

• Mikey “Whistles” Villar (Whistle)
• Peter “Pedro” Juan (Maracas)
• Pau “The Destructor” Araos (Tambourine)
• Fritz “Four Fingers” Tentativa (Keyboards)
• Coco “Mr. Muscles” Collantes (Muscles)
• Steel “Jim” Ventus (Sax)
• Ade “Balls” Magnaye (Xylophone)
• Baddie “Greg” Carteciano (Two sticks and a can)
• Bim “Burlesque” Barbieto (Hula hoop)

Pau did most of the work so you can read the rest of the entry here. And here.

The Science of Sleep. Also, I’m Emotionally Retarded.

So I saw Michel Gondry’s The Science of Sleep (La Science des rêves, for all the Frenchies in the house) sometime last week. I finished it at around 3 AM, and what do you know? I had the second most rigoddamndiculous dream of my life after watching the film. And for posterity’s sake, I had my number 1 most rigoddamndiculous dream when I was 5 years old, and it involved me walking around an old and actual Filipino film company’s studio lot, being whisked off my feet by a freak gust of wind, falling into a running stream/canal, and drowning to death while one of my old yayas just stood by and did nothing.

Moving on. In my post-Science of Sleep dream, I was twelve years old, and I had just won an online contest where I and two other kids would be able to spend a day with AJ Styles from TNA Wrestling, which is stupid because neither TNA nor the internet existed when I was twelve years old (at least in Coco’s Little Twelve Year-Old Universe, they didn’t). So we met up with AJ at a mall somewhere in the States, and I obviously squealed and immediately grabbed him by the arm. Like a little pansy girl. We went around the mall for a bit and we got into a van; AJ rode shotgun while us three kids sat in the back.

All of a sudden, it’s twelve years later and the person riding shotgun is an American woman, who apparently is my "boss," and the two people seated beside me, my "co-workers." And we’re in Singapore. We approach a huge-ass five star hotel and this woman-boss person exclaims: "Hey, isn’t that your friend who just got married?" I see Kitkat walking along the sidewalk. She’s in the States in real life, and she did get married last weekend, but I had this dream before that. I jump out of the van, we hug and exchange pleasantries, and she accompanies me while me and my "co-workers" set out to do what we were supposed to be doing at the hotel.

I shit you not, our job was to inspect the grass gnomes displayed at the hotel parking lot. Then I wake up.

Anyway, I just felt like writing that down. Also, I never realized how badly I hated the smell of our printer’s ink refills until now. It’s sad having to still run stupid errands for the family business on a Friday night. If anyone reading this is a person of faith, pray that I get that call and get a new job soon. I mean it. I really want to start making more money and save up.

Lastly, I know I’m running the risk of contradicting my Succeeding-Sentence-Writing-Self by saying this, but there’s only so much a person who’s kept his mouth shut about most things pretty much his entire life can take, because he’s the type who doesn’t like being vilified, nor does he take pleasure in doing the same to others (to people he knows, at least). Anyway, I just find it unbelievable how some people gravely undermine my intelligence and maturity. I mean, look how smart and mature I am:

Okay, so I guess it should come as no surprise that I’m often referred to as an emotional retard. I’m looking at you, Paps.

To anyone who got this far into this useless and asinine post, this’ll be the last time you’ll be reading anything similar to the content written in the two previous paragraphs. In all honesty, I’m in a really good mood right now, and I’m just moseying on along, like I’ve always done. I’m going to Tagaytay tomorrow; that should be fun. No, not just fun, but Tagaytastic!

Wow, I’m stupid.

I Pretend to Be Intelligent By Reviewing Some Oscar Winners.

There Will Be Blood.

First things first, let’s make one thing clear:

That’s Daniel Day-Lewis. And Daniel Day-Lewis was THE FIRE in this movie. I mean man, the guy was just incendiary. (Add a third sentence referencing his acting and flames and such.) And he sounded exactly how a mustachioed oil man from the 1900s should sound like. Believe me, I know from experience. I was just waiting for that mustache of his to stretch out its robot mustache legs, reveal itself to be a robot mustache creature from the future, and fly off his face. It’s like it had a life of its own. But I swear, the name Daniel Plainview will be etched into my memory until the day I die. And so will the words: "I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!"

I’m serious. It was that good.

So the Best Actor win was well-deserved, but I was surprised to find out that Paul Dano wasn’t nominated for his performance as Eli Sunday. Normally, I’d also feel peeved about certain aspects of a film, whether they be the run times, the anachronisms, or plot holes among other things, but I finished the movie and had absolutely no complaints. I feel that this should have won over No Country For Old Men for Best Picture. Which brings me to:

No Country Old Men.

Don’t get me wrong, I really liked this one too. It had "Holy intensicles!" written all over it. But There Will Be Blood eked out the moral victory in my humble opinion, courtesy of Mr. Plainview and his mustache. But Javier Bardem and his snazzy ‘do, given more screen time, could have given Day-Lewis a run for his money. Oh and once again, first things first:

That’s Bardem as Anton Chigurh, another name that will forever be carved in memory as one of the most badass villains of all time. Next to Darth Vader, Saruman the White, and Sinbad in Good Burger, of course. Josh Brolin was fantastic (I even read that he sought help from Rodriguez and Tarantino to audition for this film), and the Coens did an amazing job of setting a unique pace for the film. There were some unexpected LOL-worthy moments too. Just watch out for a mariachi band, and the uttering of the word "FRIEND-O." I’ll start calling everyone FRIEND-O from now on, if that’s okay with you guys. 

Juno.

I know, I’ve written about this film before. Sure, parts of it I wrote as a goof, but that doesn’t discount my opinion that the movie didn’t deserve the acclaim it was getting.

But with Diablo Cody winning the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, I felt like giving Juno a second chance. I may have missed something, difficult as it (and by "it" I mean "missing something in a 90-minute movie written by a former stripper") may seem. So I press "Play," fast forward through the gratuitous fancy schmancy opening credits, and eventually give up at the part where the burger phone makes an appearance, which I think is 8 minutes into the film.

So I haven’t seen the rest of the nominees for Best Original Screenplay, but come on, there has to be at least one that was written better and simply didn’t garner enough interest to earn votes, because there was this stripper-turned-writer who was strippering up all the attention, who wrote this strippery movie about some pregnant kid, presumably with her stripper pen and stripper pad, maybe even typed it into her personal compu-stripper, somewhere in her stripper home on Valle del Stripper-o.

Which, by the way, is down by Stripper River.

Don’t worry, it’s okay to allude to her former strippering ways; after all, she did meticulously chronicle it on her blog (unstripperily called "The Pussy Ranch") and even wrote a book about it. And she kinda, sorta mentions it every time she opens her strippery mouth. I know how to use Wikipedia! Yay!