JUNO? More like SUCK-O! (Extended Edition)
February 1, 2008(Click here to read the trimmed-down version originally published for The Man Blog.)
This article pertains to the Man Blog forum monkeys’ discussions on the 2007 Diablo Cody/Jason Reitman film, Juno. It’s the current toast of seemingly every cluster of cinephiles imaginable, as evidenced by its almost unanimous backing from the more indie-oriented, internet-savvy youth, to the mainstream populace itself. One hundred million dollars at the box office and counting, four Academy Award nominations, and a 93% Tomatometer rating don’t lie.
It’s got Michael Cera and Jason Bateman, you say? It’s like Knocked Up but only wittier, you say? It was penned by a celebrity blogger who also happens to be a former stripper, you say?! SOLD!
I finally got around to watching it, and the film has a wee problem. I don’t know if you guys happened to notice it as well, but during that part where the Fox Searchlight logo pops up at the beginning of the film (with the Ten-tenenen! Tenenene-ten-tenenenen! 20th Century Fox fanfare to boot) up until the end credits, it seemed to really, really, REALLY SUCK.
!
January 29, 2008For the uninformed, Panic! At the Disco have officially dropped the ! from their name. Big deal, right? Talk about fucking up your Last.fm tags. Anyway, they’ve always been a guilty pleasure and they finally previewed the first single off their new album, "Pretty. Odd." (What’s with the punctuation marks?), which comes out in March. The song’s called "Nine In the Afternoon," and it’s going to turn your brain into shit.
Nine In The Afternoon
In other !-related news, my 20 month-old nephew tripped and fell on his face last Friday, causing his nose to bleed. His "Dada" (my brother) wasn’t home so I had to rush to their house and drive him to the hospital with his Mom and my other brother. When we got to their place, the little runt was running around carrying an empty one-gallon bottle of mineral water while blood was still dripping from his nostrils. Like a crazy man, right? There weren’t any fractures but I think he’s supposed to come back for a check-up sometime this week. I’ll put up x-rays of his giant head and a couple of videos when I have the time.
Coco Vs. Rocky Prediction Challenge.
January 28, 2008Please refer to this post.
Rocky (1/26/2008 1:17:18 PM): im still lacking 4 wrestlers
Rocky (1/26/2008 1:17:27 PM): ill bring the list with me
Coco (1/26/2008 1:17:34 PM): Okay
Rocky (1/26/2008 1:17:37 PM): just in case d matuloy yung going to my place thing
Rocky (1/26/2008 1:18:05 PM): Im taking this way too seiously, huh?
Coco (1/26/2008 1:18:31 PM): Yeah, kinda. But it’s okay, the more effort you put into it, the more disappointed you’ll be when you lose.
CM Punk was a really good choice, though. Goddamnit. But my money’s still on either Kennedy (Raw), Shelton (ECW), or MVP (Smackdown). We’ll find out soon enough.
Speaking of which, I’ve finished downloading the Rumble. In full HD, you sonsofbitches. Can you guys come over earlier than Saturday so we could watch this shit A-SAP? I’m fucken stoked as hell.
Coco From 13 Years Ago Sorta Covers the WWF Mayhem In Manila Tour!
January 21, 2008No gay jokes this time; I just wanted to show you guys something really cool (or exceedingly pathetic, which ever way you look at it). It’s a collection of newspaper clippings which I’ve kept since I was 11 years old.
Righty-o, “PATHETIC,” it is.
Anyway, these relate to the then-World Wrestling Federation’s Mayhem In Manila Tour of 1995, which was headlined by top-tier names like The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Yokozuna, Owen Hart, and the greatest wrestler to ever don a yellow jockstrap over his head – The Portuguese Man O’War, Aldo Montoya.
My Dad took my brother, a cousin and I to the May 22 show at the Araneta Coliseum, and at the age of 11, I definitely had no idea that I’d be writing a recap for this 13 years later on a thing called a “blog,” where phrases like “Jesus LOL,” “Banana Gangbang,” and “2 Girls 1 Cup” would abound. So pardon me if I wouldn’t be able to give a complete play-by-play, but I’ll just list down the things that I do recall from the event (given the card that was set for the show we attended), along with some random trivia.
-Shawn Michaels came for a promotional visit a couple of weeks prior to the shows, the same way Mick Foley and Batista did for their respective Raw and Smackdown tours of Manila in 2006. He even filmed a commercial for Colt 45, but I couldn’t find it anywhere online. I do remember him uttering the words “Colt 45 Malt Liquor!” in that distinct, gruff, sexy voice of his.
-Shawn Michaels also took on the IRS in a match, and at one point went out of the ring to get the crowd to chant “Ir-win! Ir-win!” to rile his be-suspendered opponent up.
-Yokozuna’s thighs occupied half the ring. I swear to God, the guy was HUUUGE. With the accompaniment of WWE Hall of Famer Mr. Fuji, Yoko tagged with Owen Hart to wage war against “The Allied Powers,” which was comprised of “The British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith and Lex Luger.
-I don’t know if you guys would notice, but four out of the ten people featured on this ad are deadsies (Hart, Bulldog, Yokozuna, Bam Bam Bigelow), and one’s a quadriplegic (Luger). Bad times.
-Similar to how the company flew Hornswoggle halfway around the world to simply punch Matt Hardy in the nuts in 2006, they brought along Doink the Clown’s dwarf sidekick Dink during the ’95 Tour, to act all midgety and such.
-My Mom is a real douche for giving away my collection of WWF action figures to “the needy” back in the mid-‘90s.
-My Dad was a real pansy for not bringing a camera, fearing that it would be confiscated by building security.
-Out of all the Superstars who performed in this Tour, only two were able to return during the WWE’s string of shows in Manila 11 years later:
1. The Undertaker. He came with pudgy manager Paul Bearer (also the baby daddy to Taker’s half-brother Kane), and faced Bam Bam Bigelow in ‘95. He also got his ass nearly beat by Mr. Kennedy (Kennedy!) during Smackdown’s Survivor Series Tour show in October 2006.
2. Big Daddy V. He wrestled as the newly-crowned King of the Ring – King Mabel, and parterned up with Sir Mo (they were formerly known as Men On A Mission) in a match against Billy and Bart, The Smoking Gunns in ’95. He famously dry-humped Gene Snitsky’s ass as Viscera during Raw’s Live In Manila event in February 2006.
-Other than the abovementioned wrestlers, the following also performed during their four-night Philippine visit: Adam Bomb, King Kong Bundy, Kwang, “The Supreme Fighting Machine” Kama Mustafa, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, and Henry Godwinn.
I’ve got plenty of other facts to share, like how Kama Mustafa used to wrestle as Papa Shango and subsequently as The Godfather (The Good-father during his Right to Censor days), or how Duke Droese handed Triple H his first loss in the WWF, or how Billy Gunn is the only wrestler on this Tour’s roster that’s presently employed by TNA Wrestling, but you wouldn’t really care now, would you?
You heartless animal. I ought to kill you.
Muchos gracias to Bim for watermarking the images.
Coco vs. The Karpinteros.
January 19, 2008I’m complaining again! Surprise! I hate having to write about the most useless shit out of boredom, but I just wanted to express how badly I want to piss in the drinking water of the karpinteros working on the house next door.
I’ve been waking up everyday at 7:30 AM, on the dot, for the past month because that’s the time at which they commence their rigoddamndiculously loud construction. I mean FUCK, I’M UNEMPLOYED. I should be making the most out of my nights by staying up super late and beating off to Lingerie Specials over at Fashion TV (or an Allona Amor movie at Pinoy Box Office; whichever comes first ). But nooooooo, I can’t even muster up the will to finish an episode of Conan, and that shit starts at 11 PM.
Sure, they don’t do it on purpose; they’re building a fucking house, not doing an interpretative dance. So I simply take it like a man and go about my morning normally. I eat my breakfast, I check my email. And I’ve been turning up my speakers a couple notches higher than usual to wane the ongoing ruckus throughout the day. Everything seemed to be going fine; my mind gets taken off of the noise, and the karpinteros get to have the most unpretentiously awesome music being played this side of Las Piñas as background music while they toil under the blistering sun.
Hell, everything was going fine, up until yesterday. I was playing some AC/DC and after Malcolm whipped out the last riffs to Hells Bells, I decided to shut the PC down and drive out for lunch. And then I heard those fuckers next door start talking in a mock-Brian Johnson voice.
Asshole Karpintero #1 (in mock-Brian Johnson voice): Heeeeeeellllssss Beeeeeelllllssss!
Asshole Karpintero #2 (in mock-Brian Johnson voice): Tara pare, mananghalian na tayoooo! Ano bang ulaaaam?
Asshole Karpintero #3 (in mock-Brian Johnson voice): Sinigang na baboooooyyyy!
Asshole Karpintero #1 (in mock-Brian Johnson voice): Mauna na kayo mga tsoooong, aayusin ko muna tong doorknob kasi di ako nakapag-aral kahit elementary at wala akong pera at pito ang anak ko pero mahilig akong uminom at mag-sugal at walang patutunguhan ang buhay ko at mamamatay akong mahirap siya nga pala kinantot ko yung misis mo kagabi oooooooh yeaaaahhh!
Oh no, they di-int. It’s one thing to fuck my biological clock up; it’s another to diss my taste in music. Those assholes will pay.
No. No, they probably won’t.
It’s only be-fitting. Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution.
